Wednesday, January 11, 2017
NEVER WORDLESS WEDNESDAY
A few years ago a blogger left and it was sudden, and she was super loved in this blogging family, but she left, gone......blown away like some leaf in the autumn wind, and I did not understand it, and no matter what words I said, she never returned. Of course I know she left for her own personal life reasons, but I had this hole where she once stood and it was hard for me to walk around it. I never forgot those feelings......of loss. And it also scared me in the sense that blogging had become closer than people I could touch in real life.
Then October 2015 happened and here it is January 2017 and I still am struggling everyday so bad that thinking enough to write words on a computer screen brings tears, and so... I don't write.
Well, I have left and I can't really find my way back, and when I read this a few days ago, it hit me that maybe I have left a hole in someone's life here and that was not my intention. Left...is an abstract word anyway......I have never really left blogville, every morning, on my way to wherever I am working at that time, I go through the list and wonder how each and everyone of you are doing, and I always keep you close to my heart, and prayers. I also see some on facebook, ........its like peeping in the window just to make sure all is alright.
Grief comes in so many forms. And loss comes in many directions. One of the hardest losses I had last summer was my mom. Many of you know she has been fighting breast cancer, and you all sent gifts, and letters and cards and she loved them very much. BUT Families have so many dynamics though and ours has always been a way that my Mom has trouble letting to many of her kids in her life at one time. As unreal as this sounds, I had my time with Mom and Dad, and in the summer Mom decided it was my other sisters turn, .......................so its been a long summer, fall and winter for me, not one word said, or phone call made. I feel like a bag of garbage, that ends up in the quarry, full of really good things that no one wanted. I have three sisters and this has pretty much been our whole lives, one of us gets a turn at a time to have a mom. Mine was for 10 years, I doubt if my sister will be that long.
Grief. So Mom is still here, but she is gone. Grief.
It piles down on you, every loss here in blogville, every family change, worries........it catches up with you to the point that you cannot allow yourself to think a word let alone write it in a blog.
I hope this makes sense to someone, and if I left a hole its not because I have left, I am just having trouble finding my way home.
I really am.