Wednesday, January 11, 2017

NEVER WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

I put this on my facebook page the other day.  It seems all I can manage is an occasional find to put on my page, words that I like or are feeling at the moment.  But these words made me think a little bit about perhaps a wrong that I never meant to be wrong.  And I wanted to fix it.

A few years ago a blogger left and it was sudden, and she was super loved in this blogging family, but she left, gone......blown away like some leaf in the autumn wind, and I did not understand it, and no matter what words I said, she never returned.  Of course I know she left for her own personal life reasons, but I had this hole where she once stood and it was hard for me to walk around it.  I never forgot those feelings......of loss.  And it also scared me in the sense that blogging had become closer than people I could touch in real life.

Then October 2015 happened and here it is January 2017 and I still am struggling everyday so bad that thinking enough to write words on a computer screen brings tears, and so... I don't write.

Until today.

Well, I have left and I can't really find my way back, and when I read this a few days ago, it hit me that maybe I have left a hole in someone's life here and that was not my intention.  Left...is an abstract word anyway......I have never really left blogville, every morning, on my way to wherever I am working at that time, I go through the list and wonder how each and everyone of you are doing, and I always keep you close to my heart, and prayers.  I also see some on facebook, ........its like peeping in the window just to make sure all is alright. 

Grief comes in so many forms.  And loss comes in many directions.  One of the hardest losses I had last summer was my mom.  Many of you know she has been fighting breast cancer, and you all sent gifts, and letters and cards and she loved them very much.  BUT Families have so many dynamics though and ours has always been a way that my Mom has trouble letting to many of her kids in her life at one time.  As unreal as this sounds, I had my time with Mom and Dad, and in the summer Mom decided it was my other sisters turn, .......................so its been a long summer, fall and winter for me, not one word said, or phone call made.  I feel like a bag of garbage, that ends up in the quarry, full of really good things that no one wanted.  I have three sisters and this has pretty much been our whole lives, one of us gets a turn at a time to have a mom.  Mine was for 10 years, I doubt if my sister will be that long.

Grief.  So Mom is still here, but she is gone.  Grief.

It piles down on you, every loss here in blogville, every family change, worries........it catches up with you  to the point that you cannot allow yourself to think a word let alone write it in a blog.

I hope this makes sense to someone, and if I left a hole its not because I have left, I am just having trouble finding my way home.

I really am.

Deb

30 comments:

  1. This is the kind of post we hate to see but you are as honest as you have always been and we thank you for that. Our mom said she is going to send you an email this afternoon.

    Your Pals FOREVER,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  2. Dear Deb just the other day we heard you had been sick...we have not nor we will EVER forget you. We knew you were busy with two jobs and just things. Anyway we think of you every day. We knew some of your days were extra long and you barely had energy to climb in bed much less post or answer emails. Bless your heart we are so sorry about your mom's decision. I cannot even imagine what has come over her but you are the one who has been hurt and we send you love and hugs. We put a card in the mail to you yesterday.
    I hope you are feeling better take care of yourself.
    Love and prayers
    Cecilia and madi

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  3. Deb, you may have left the blog, hopefully just for now, but you have never left our hearts and minds. We think of you often and know that life has not treated you very well for a long time now. Words that have some real meaning are hard to come by. Please know that you are always with us in a very close way. Lots of love and hugs.

    Your forever friends at The OP Pack home

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  4. You are still here and very real to us, even if there are not blog posts by way of a calling card. I'm sorry about your Mom, that feelings of being unwanted is something all of us have perhaps known, but how painful when it is a parent. Hugs, my friend.

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  5. Dearest Momma of my BFF and my second Mom, yous never gone…yous ALWAYS in my heart, you nose that don't you.
    So whens you can, do a little post so we can all nose how you are doing
    Lots of loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  6. Deb;

    If I start about the family dynamics in my household; I'll still be writing in 2027..... If I live another 75 lifetimes; I'll never understand the words said and actions done....

    I hope you dont let what's happened weigh you down; I completely understand though what you mean and some how you have to make yourself realize.....IT'S NOT YOU; NOR IS IT YOUR FAULT

    ...I hope this makes sense....

    as for blogging, we all know you've not left, for what it's worth; over the course of the past several months, MANY people have blogged LESS and ...some even LESS than that.....this holds true for both blogger and wordpress, no joke....

    and sometimes, "home" is a lot closer than one realizes...just ask...the pugs ♥♥♥♥♥

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  7. I am sitting at my desk at work with tears rolling down my face because my friend I know exactly how you feel and what your words convey. God bless you and keep you for I have already been where you are now.

    Janice, Snuggles, Sassy, Dixie, and Pearl

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  8. Oh Deb, my heart is crying for you and I can't see the damn keys on my phone due to the tears falling. I know what you are saying I am struggling as well. In a way there's comfort knowing you are struggling. I've thought many of times in the past several months of giving up Sully's blog but it's the friendship that keeps me from doing it. One of my strengths and weaknesses is loyalty. I don't know if I'd be missed but I'd hate to leave a hole. Hang in there my friend.

    Aroo to you,
    Sully and Robin

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  9. To paraphrase Winnie the Pooh and Piglet:
    We will be friends longer than forever.
    Know you are in our hearts.
    Take care of yourself and we are sure we will "see" you again in some form or another.

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  10. Hello, Deb.
    We are all here for you in Blogville. That's how our community always works. I think of you often...your pretty patriotic wreath hangs in my bedroom. Don't know what all is going on for you, but we all understand and I am sending you my love and warm hugs. Please come back to Blogville whenever you are able...we are a very therapeutic group in a lot of ways.
    Love,
    Lori, Stan, Sarge, Crabby Girls

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  11. WE are SAD that YOU are SAD... WE are going to hope that you can find your way back to the FOLD which is Blogville. We think of YOU SOOOOOOO often. PLEASE ... COME BACK... if and when you can. WE are HERE FOR YOU...

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  12. We are so sorry you are going through a difficult time. But we understand. We'll keep you in our hearts until you return.

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  13. Dear Deb,

    I'm so sad to hear about your relationship (or now lack there of) with your mom. You in no way are a "bag of garbage" to any of us. I know we can't replace a mother's love but I want you to know that you are much loved by many of us. I think of you often and look to see what you have posted on Facebook or to see if you have posted on your blog.

    Life has certainly thrown you a few curve balls in the past year or two and I wish there was something I could do to help other than send you words of encouragement. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone and we are here for you whenever you have the time and energy to visit.

    Love,

    Cindy

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  14. Dear Deb - I'm so sorry about your Mom. I know there are no words that I can say to take away the ache you've felt, and are feeling. I can only say that I know a bit of what you're going through because I've also lost my Mom, and have a similar situation with my older and only sister that you did with your Mom. It's a pain like no other. But please don't be hard on yourself and don't let the guilt consume you - Believe me, I know it's easier said than done. But just know that there are people like me who think you're terrific, and are cheering you on, and hope you find your words again - When you do, we'll all be here, or on Facebook. Hang in there, okay?

    And I also wonder about what happened to some bloggers - There are some I also really miss, and I hope they are okay....

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  15. Dear Deb,
    We love you, no matter what.

    Always know that!
    Beth, Dory, Arty, Jakey & Bilbo too

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  16. I'm so sad to read that you are having such a tough time. Sending you so much love. We're here when you're ready.

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  17. I echo everythings everyone has said, NEVER EVER EVER thinks you are nothing butts the bestest most wonderful human on the planet!!! Cause that is what we all think of you. Truly. You are a Superhero and our furiend. We can't imagine Blogville without you!!! Plus, I needs to see that fuzzy blankie every once in a while!!! BOL!!! I haven't checked in on the Faceybook in a looooong time (Ma has TOTALLY neglected that!!!!!!) anyhu, I hopes that even if you don't feel the loves of your blood family, you will ALWAYS have the love of ours.
    Friends are the family you choose. J.Johnson.
    Love and {{{hugs}}}
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥♥

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  18. Dear Stella Maggie Angus and Deb
    I love you when you are posting in Blogville and I love you when you're not. You can't count on life to bring you smiles but you can count on your Furiends in Blogville. Stop in for tea now and then. I'll always have a hug and a lick just waiting for you. Love Noodles

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  19. my tears are running while reading your post... you described it very well... it can be so difficult to find the way back... and when our hearts are so heavy with grief we can not see the light what maybe is there somewhere... for me you are always a part of blogville and a part of my life... and I somtimes imagine to meet you ... or we would enter a gig of Willie together...

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  20. Oh Deb .... I so feel for you. Please know, that like everyone else here in Blogville, I am here for you, care for you and wish only what is good for you. You are such a loving, caring person. You don't deserve to be feeling as you do now. I know we have never met but I feel I know you as I am sure so many of us here do. I hope that the tears will stop and the words come back, Deb but until they do just know that you are not forgotten and never will be. I, for one, will be waiting for your return. Take care Deb ... you will be in my prayers. Love, hugs and sloppy whippy kisses from Charlie ... Lynn.

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  21. Life can be so overwhelming. Hugs to you♥

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  22. HUGS!! We're so sorry life keeps getting you down and keeping you from blogging. But no matter what, you're still a part of US and we'll never furget you! Come back whenever you have time, we're still here!

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  23. So many have already said what we feel. You will always be a part of US and we will always be here.
    love
    Mr Bailey, Hazel, Mabel & Mom

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  24. It's so hard when people leave, especially when you've come to count on them.

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  25. We do miss you all very much but we understand hard times and grief. We will be here when you decide to stop in and say hello. *ear licks* Noodle

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  26. Oh, Deb, we are so sorry life has been throwing so much at you. Sometimes just taking the next step feels impossible, but you will make it through. You are loved in Blogville. We haven't been able to get around as much as we'd like but we've been checking your blog to see how you are. We hope you will be able to find your way back soon, but take whatever time you need and let everyone know what we can do to help. {{{Hugs}}}

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  27. BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

    www.BoycottBitches.com

    I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

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  28. I am sorry. Small words but full of true feeling for you. I stop by to check on you all and am just glad when I stop and there is a post. I figured life had gotten overwhelming and was waiting for you to find your way back. You are loved. You are missed. You are part of Blogville and I am sorry we can't be there physically to help you through.

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  29. I know how your feeling, and it is sad. Here are some hugs for you
    love
    tweedles

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