She also makes me laugh. I tell her how my weekend went with all the drama's of my life at the moment, and she shares her weekend. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes she gives me candy although I wish it was a little stronger.
I think she knows I am trying really hard not to get stuck in the land of "I feel very sorry for myself" and just when I climb that last step out of that sorry place, a light wind blows me back to the bottom. And I start the climb all over again. Its not so much that I am weak, but I am just really tired. She tries to fix me with caffeine and Halloween candy.
This weekend I finally was able to see my mom. I watched her sleeping, with her new "no hair" chemo look. She reminded me of my brother when he was small. I couldn't breath or swallow. I might have choked to death right there in her bedroom if she wouldn't have woken up and smiled. I took a deep breath then.
I asked her about going to town with me so I could buy her a new shirt to wear to her Chemo day this week, and she said YES!!! Its been a very very long time since I have taken my mom shopping ......so off we went to a new store about 15 miles from where they live. We found a couple of shirts, and after about 8 min. mom had to sit down, and rest, I forgot to breath and swallow again, and then I found myself getting mad at the girl behind the counter for being so slow, and I wanted to yell at her, "don't you see that little lady sitting there with her pink ribbon scarf on, do you see how fragile she is...........can't you go FASTER............" I took a deep breath and swallowed the mean words instead.
It was a nice Saturday, Mom is excited about wearing her new shirt on Wed. I was relieved that I remembered to breath most of the day.
Later, I ran out to see Butch. He is depressed, and dark and although I can breath, I have to sneak-wipe my eyes all the time. I want him to see me as a strong amazon woman, and not a mouse like I really am.
On Sunday night I remembered the coffee waiting for me on Monday. It helped me sleep easier.