She also makes me laugh. I tell her how my weekend went with all the drama's of my life at the moment, and she shares her weekend. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes she gives me candy although I wish it was a little stronger.
I think she knows I am trying really hard not to get stuck in the land of "I feel very sorry for myself" and just when I climb that last step out of that sorry place, a light wind blows me back to the bottom. And I start the climb all over again. Its not so much that I am weak, but I am just really tired. She tries to fix me with caffeine and Halloween candy.
This weekend I finally was able to see my mom. I watched her sleeping, with her new "no hair" chemo look. She reminded me of my brother when he was small. I couldn't breath or swallow. I might have choked to death right there in her bedroom if she wouldn't have woken up and smiled. I took a deep breath then.
I asked her about going to town with me so I could buy her a new shirt to wear to her Chemo day this week, and she said YES!!! Its been a very very long time since I have taken my mom shopping ......so off we went to a new store about 15 miles from where they live. We found a couple of shirts, and after about 8 min. mom had to sit down, and rest, I forgot to breath and swallow again, and then I found myself getting mad at the girl behind the counter for being so slow, and I wanted to yell at her, "don't you see that little lady sitting there with her pink ribbon scarf on, do you see how fragile she is...........can't you go FASTER............" I took a deep breath and swallowed the mean words instead.
It was a nice Saturday, Mom is excited about wearing her new shirt on Wed. I was relieved that I remembered to breath most of the day.
Later, I ran out to see Butch. He is depressed, and dark and although I can breath, I have to sneak-wipe my eyes all the time. I want him to see me as a strong amazon woman, and not a mouse like I really am.
On Sunday night I remembered the coffee waiting for me on Monday. It helped me sleep easier.
Oh Deb. Continue to find some comfort in the small things. Remember to breathe. hugs.
ReplyDeleteit's sometimes too much what we have to wear on our shoulders... and even the strongest amazon needs a shoulder from time to time and a place where she can breathe and where her tears can run... hugs to you and your butch and your mom...
ReplyDeleteDeb my friend...it is very therapeutic to write how you feel down...especially when you are trying to be strong and feel as though you can't share this. You would share with Butch about your mom but you can't and with your mom about Butch but you can't!!! So we are here for you ...this is a good way to take care of yourself and YES breath. When my folks were both sick I wrote emails to family to keep them informed..it helped them and me.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs
Cecilia and Madi
It's okay to have moments of weakness especially for the ones we love and it's good to have an outlet so you should have reached across the counter and slapped the shit out of that women.........but only in your mind. Hang in there Deb, you are stronger than you know.
ReplyDeleteAroo to you,
Sully
"just breathe" mom says that all the time too - especially when coping with pain - her latest thing is to imagine she is flying like a leaf on the wind. We are all here for you too - just breathe :)
ReplyDeleteBig boxer kisses from me and Jessie, and big hugs from Momma!!
ReplyDeleteIt just goes to show how much and how many peeps luffs you Momma, oh and don't forget all us fur friends 'cos we luffs you loads and loads as well! - And, er, could I had a share of your coffee, pleeeease!
ReplyDeleteLoves and licky kisses
Princess Leah xxx
Huge hugs to you, ((( Miss Deb))) ♥
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest part of being a caretaker is appearing strong. And you have to because everyone is counting on you. But we all have limits - and even though I think you are Super Women as you are carrying so much - I think you need to allow these little breakdowns and cranky moments. You have earned them. Bless the cream girl. She clearly lives by the Golden Rule.
ReplyDeleteLove Noodles
All of us send big, supportive hugs to you! We understand.
ReplyDeleteKZK
We're certainly happy that there's someone there helping YOU!
ReplyDeleteWe are so glad that the office lady is such a FINE FUREND to you. What a NICE thingy fur her to do JUST FUR YOU!!! We are happy to know that you got to go Shopping with your mom. THAT means soooo much to BOTH of you, We know that fur sure.
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking of YOU and your Mom and Mr. Butch.. who has the same name as our Dad...
Such a tender and authentic post; it reminded me of when my sister has Ovarian cancer and how tough it was for both of us-for different reasons. She was like my mom and practically raised me. I have to tell your Momma that anger is one of the stages of grief that we get when those we love have cancer. I well remember my anger at different people during that time. I'm glad the lady fixes your coffee every day-we all need someone like that, someone to cheer us on. I know that Stella Rose is also there for you. I hope Butch is able to come home soon.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Noreen
We have to agree with Madi's Mom - it is good to get it out. Maybe you could get a small journal and just jot down random thoughts or feelings. It is nice to want to be strong for everyone else, but you do need to take care of Deb or you won't be able to be strong for any of them. Take care of yourself, and yes, breathe.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs, Kathie and The OP Pack
There sure is a lot on your plate right now, so we are really glad that your desk neighbor brings you coffee just the way you like it. Just goes to show how little things matter. We will keep you and your momma and your hubby our morning prayers . Lady Caroline
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a strong woman - even strong women need a tearful release now and then. You're handling everything, whereas some others may have crumbled and just said "no more!" Isn't it lovely when an angel comes into our lives with something simple like a cup of coffee, a piece of candy, or just a sympathetic ear and shines a small beam of light into our darkened worlds. Bless her for being there for you. We send you, your hubby and your mom many prayers - you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through this. I promise you. When you do you will look back on these days and be amazed that you survived it. But you will survive it. You are strong enough to do it. It is easy to let those doubts creep in and they can take over your mind but you are strong enough. Right now everyone is leaning on you and you might feel you have no one to lean on but you have your blogger friends, your work friends and those little pugs who love you with all their souls. Enjoy your pugs, your friends, and your cups of coffee, keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you will find this is all behind you
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I have ever "met" someone as strong as you, Deb and cannot wait to really meet you this summer!! I only hope I could be half as strong under the weight you have endured over the past months!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
Beth (Dory and the Boyz too!)
We think you are very strong and are sending you big hugs & lots of prayers
ReplyDeleteEdgar and his mum
What a wonderful girl who works in your office. She's a special one, very special. You will make it because you're stronger than you think you are. You are facing more than any one person should have to right now. Breath, put one foot in front of the other - and you'll get through this. Blogville has your back.
ReplyDeleteI hope writing things out on the blog helps a bit. Lots of folks our here in blogville are pulling for you and the hubs and your mom. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts and virtual hugs!
ReplyDeleteWe are sending you so much love!! Thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! We're thinking about you and hope (know) that things get better real soon!
ReplyDeleteWe're glad you have your coffee friend to help you through your weekdays. We are sending all the love we can to help you stay strong.
ReplyDeleteSometimes something as little as coffee and some candy can make a world of difference. I can only imagine what you are going through, but know that people love and care about your struggles. ♥
ReplyDeleteYou are strong! Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeletelove
tweedles
We are sending you HUGE hugs♥
ReplyDeleteLove ya lots♥
Mitch and Molly
Thinking of you. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDelete