Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dear Gilly

Dear Gilly:
Sometimes I wake up late at night and think about you.  I wonder if you have a blanket to keep you warm and a friend to snuggle with.  I can't get back to sleep once I have your picture in my mind so I try to figure out a way that I can bring you to my house to live.  Sometimes I contemplate just kicking that shitty door down and grabbing you up in my arms and running for the car.  Instead I do nothing.

Then, another few weeks go by and I wake up again, and your face runs across my heart once again.  I tell myself that one person can only do so much, and after all I have three pugs that I brought home from that terrible place.  I am TRYING to make life better in the small ways that I can.  Its not enough though is it Gilly cos you are still down there, in the ONLY place you have ever known.  My heart is cracking all around the edges, ....I have no plans that will work.

UNTIL last week when your horrible keeper stopped by the office and I pretended to be nice cos I know it is the only way that I can help who I can.  I pretend to not feel all those bad feelings about her that I do. 

I took a deep breath and I said, " I want you to give me Gilly.  I lay awake at night and worry about him, I want him to be able to feel grass and love.  I want me to live at my house."  I am shocked the words came out of my mouth cos our house is in turmoil and the last thing we need is a rescued stunted midget blind bulldog who is at least 100 years old.  I look her in the face and tell her, "I have always wanted him, from the first time I saw him almost 4 years ago.  I was afraid to ask you cos I know you like him also."     I choked on those words..."she likes him" .....

The mill person told me I could have gotten him at anytime if I would have asked.  ALL I had to do was to tell her.  I was stunned, and images of sweet Gilly running around our yard with the pugs filled my head.  Images of a divorce from Butch filled my head I knew he would love Gilly also.  My heart was racing and I was hugging and kissing that sweet face of yours in my mind.

BUT then she told me that Gilly had went to the rainbow bridge about a month ago.  This winter had been hard on him in that horrible dark insane basement where he had always lived.  I couldn't help myself but I started to cry, and the mill person was so surprised she told me she could always get me an old small bulldog from any of her horrible mill friend.  They are not hard to find, they are USELESS.  Then she left.

I am so sorry sweet boy, that I waited, that I doubted myself, that I didn't think I was strong enough to bring you home, that I didn't trust my heart.  

I promise you that one day soon Gilly I will do something wonderful just for you...just for you.
Run free Sweetie.


  1. Hi Deb!
    I feel for you. Recently, I went to Homeward Bound Pugs website, a rescue I like that is in the Oklahoma City and Wichita area of the country. It turns out the breeder where I got Mimi from was basically a crappy puppy mill or similar to the way Gilly's life was lived. I am so angry at myself for not knowing or doing something. The good news is that the breeders turned their "breeding stock" in and is "OUT OF BUSINESS" but when I look at Cinnamon and Samson, Mimi's mama and daddy pugs, it breaks my heart. Right now, Cinnamon has an adoption pending. Samson, I hope, is soon to follow into a loving home of his own. I will probably never go through a breeder ever again since it seems all of my pugs came from crappy breeders who treated their pugs unkindly. I feel ashamed that I was ignorant to the plight of these poor darlings. And...when I found out, it about crushed my spirit. I feel for you and I understand how you feel. I wonder how many more Gilly's are out there. It makes me shudder in horror of how the human race can be so cruel...and then at the other end of the spectrum be so loving (this is where I place you).
    Much Love,
    Mama Mindy

  2. Shedding tears with you. Please, please, don't beat yourself up. You have changed the world in a wonderful way for the 3 you have (and likely the ones who came before). It may not change the world but it did change a few lives, and that is more than most. Please find comfort in this. Hugs.

  3. Rest in PEACE Gilly. You deserve it.
    That Breeder will be resting in HELL some day. What goes around ... Comes around.

    You did what you COULD... It would not be easy at all to have 4 dogs... even if None of them had issues...
    Do not feel SAD. Feel GLAD that you are able to make life GOOD for the three you have. NO Man/Woman is an Island... Think of all the OTHERS who could have done something... and did not.

  4. Mom Kim here - I know these are just words that maybe sound like something to make us all feel better but things do really happen for a reason - that's what I am trying to hold onto in my lifetime - at least that is what I hear - but dang it all, I sure wish I knew what that reason was! I am crying with you - day in and day out, whenever I am on Facebook or perusing Petfinder - I see all the doggies that have maybe days or even hours before euthansia and I stop and think to myself - why can;t I help. Oh sure - I can come up with "good" reasons but I still wonder, and do nothing. I know it is not much consolation but at least you were ready to take that next step where I just sit and wonder while many end up in bad homes or worse. Like Hailey and Zaphod said - you have changed the world for the 3 little ones you have now and others before. I also send hugs and those three three little ones you have now - they just want to sit with you and snuggle with the BEST mommy they could ever have.

  5. Deb that is terribly sad. How does she get away with it.? Is no RSPCA or equivalent that can make sure the little ones are OK or remove them and shut her down? You are only one person and you have done as much as you can. We are sure the same happened here all the time. Grrr to it (not human as has no heart) from the mill and gentle kisses to you.
    Best wishes Molly

  6. Deb, the horrible truth is that there are thousands of Gilly's in the U.S. alone. Don't beat yourself up for not taking action with Gilly; you contributed mightily with your rescue of "The Three Little Pugs"! You have done your part and more and I have no doubt your work is not done. Love those three lucky ones and mourn Gilly but don't second guess yourself, no one single person can rescue all that need us so desperately!

    Love, Gampy

  7. Oh Deb, you've done all you can and more for the ones you can. Don't beat yourself up. You have brought love and light to lives of those under your roof and that means more than you know!

    Edgar and his mum

  8. That's so sad. But he's running free now. Hope he has lots of grass under his feet. Just hug those little puggies all the more.

    XXXOOO Bella & Roxy

  9. Rest in Peace Gilly. Deb, you have such a huge heart, but as you stated one person can only do so much. So many of us wish we could rescue them all but unfortunately we can't. Several years ago our vet called. A local man had disappeared and left behind his dogs, two of them pugs. One had serious health issues and was put to sleep. The other needed a home. they thought he was about 10 yrs old. It broke my heart to say no but I knew it would not be fair to our old guy Char Shu who had become very dependent on me.

    sending you lots of hugs
    Bailey, Hazel, Greta & Mom

  10. Deb, you have done all you can.. you have rescued and loved 3 nightmares..Me only two. you have the biggest heart ever. Stop getting down and think of the positives.. we are all human and can only do so much. We love you tons xxxoxxxx

    Mollie and Alfie

  11. Oh my gosh, Deb, I would have taken him... we had the blind Hannah here, a rescue... I am so sorry he died like that. You have such a good heart!

  12. Deb, I'm so sorry that Gilly crossed over before you had a chance to love on him. I hope the heartbreak will ease, he is happy now and running free. Maybe there will be another pup that needs your love. Gilly wouldn't want you to cry.
    Noreen & Hunter

  13. Gilly's in a WAY better place now. RIP, dear little sweetie. (What a disgusting human. I like to think there is karma in the world. I imagine a person with that black of a heart must have a pretty pathetic life.)

  14. As much as we all to save all the puppies and dogs suffering - it sadly just isn't possible. You have done a wonderful thing with the three you have and every moment with them is a blessing

  15. Oh doggie poor Gilly, we, hate people that can take care of us, and also wish that more could be done to help, but sometimes it's just not possible. Someday you will find one to fill that sad place in your heart!

    The Mad Scots

  16. We can't save them all. And it's so important to know your limits. Financially, especially. I have three pugs, all with health issues. I would eat ramen noodles to pay for their medication. If I took on one more dog, even a healthy one, I could easily get in over my head financially. And mine are all needy. I simply can't emotionally handle another one right now. Between my job and school, I don't have it in me for another one. My emotional health has to be a priority because if I can't function, I can't work. Which means no pay, no mortgage payment. And that would be terrible for the pugs I have.
    As much as it hurts, you have to know when to say no. You have a family, furry and non, that you have to consider, too. I'm single, so I don't have anyone's feelings to think about. But I also don't have anyone to help me. Everyone has their personal limits and those change over time. One day, when I have more financial stability, I'm going to have a pug retirement home/farm to take in seniors. When I can afford to have a vet on retainer!
    Try not to feel guilty. Turn that pain into action. Become a volunteer if you can. You can do things like check references over the phone for a rescue even if you are far away from them. With my rescue, we're looking for people to write thank you notes to donors, update our Facebook page, help organize our records. You have strengths I bet any rescue could use. Start hounding the local authorities to shut down the puppy mill. Write your state representatives and campaign for stronger anti-mill laws.
    We can't save them all. But if we all do what we can, we can make an impact.

  17. Your words are spoken clearly Deb,,,, and thank you.
    Thank you for not keeping your mouth shut and saying nothing. Your words are speaking the truth- for so many who do not have a voice or a chance to happiness.
    You have done what you can,, and by writing this,,,, its for Gilly and all the others who have no voice,,, keep the words flowing,, don't let your heart harden to those sad faces.... speak.,,, people will listen.
    Run free in the grass Gilly
    tweedles and moms

  18. Aunty Deb, you have done more than many people could or would and have three loved and loving puggies that are safe and loved because you cared enough. We like to think that Gilly is looking down and smiling cause he can see what a wonderful life your three little pugs have and he knows he was loved by you in your heart. Take care mates. Stella Rose, Maggie and Angus. Get on your mum's lap and have a group hug ok? Sending a hug from us too. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

  19. Big boxer kisses to you! One thing you have to remember when you rescue is that you can't save them all. Focus on the ones you CAN save and love your babies. That's what Gilly would want you to do.

  20. I am so very sorry to hear about Gilly. You cannot possible save every dog and the love that you show your babies is amazing and inspiring. Hugs

    retro rover

  21. That is so difficult to find peace with when something like that is in your heart. There is so much more bad then any one person can fix. We have to learn to do what we can and accept that once we have given our best that it is our best. Although your heart breaks for Gilly, you don't know what would have really happened when he would have been brought into the house with the other three. We do not want you to feel guilty at all. The sadness you feel from not having been able to help Gilly is actually a blessing because it is a measure of what a caring person you are. And we are sure you already know that caring so much is never easy and not everyone is capable of it. But when you care to such an extent, it means you love more as well. And that is always a good thing.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  22. Oh Deb. I am so sorry, that is so sad. I know how you feel, wanting to save the world, but we are just human. Know that Gilly is in a far better place right now, a place full of love and peace and he wants the same for you. He is not angry at you and he does not want you to beat yourself up over this. He knows you loved him.

    Roxy's mom

  23. I am so sorry. This made me cry. Run free, sweet Gilly.

  24. My peep and I are sitting here with leaky eyes right now. She said she says she knows karma and that lady better watch out! Every true animal lover out there wants to speak for those that can not. By posting this story, you are speaking for Gilly and giving his life a purpose. My peep said maybe Gilly was giving you the words to confront her and gave her something to think about. We hope so! You have an amazing soul, Deb!!!

  25. My eyes are full of tears while reading. You have done all what you can and you gave three little pugs a wonderful home. You are wonderful and the world would be a much better place with more people like you.

  26. How sad for you, for Gilly. We cry with you.