THE GRIEF SUITCASE

Mostly I am just staring at this blank screen nervous about the words that I want to write.  I have been writing this post every morning for the past month,  on my way to work, ...planning the right words.....and now that it is time, my stomach is nervous and anxious.

I almost didn't start it.  I was just going to wait till another day when I am braver, or stronger or something. 

BUT

Stella Rose deserves the words, she worked hard these past 8 years..........so I take a deep breath and start typing.

THE GRIEF SUITCASE

One month ago today Stella Rose went to stay at the 21st step of the rainbow bridge.  The deal she made with me was as soon as she knew I understood AND learned the "lesson" she was sent to teach me she would pack up her pup tent, and cross the bridge.  Although I reassured her I would be fine, and to please cross, I know in my heart, she has been waiting this whole month, to see what I would do.  She knows her momma's heart and soul better then even I do.

So I am going to tell you a story about how Stella's lesson came to be, and then I know she will keep her promise to me.

When I was 16 years old, my grandmother died.  She was 64.  Just one year older than I am now.  My grandparents had always lived right across the road from me, and I had a wonderful life with them.  I spent every day and most evenings running back and forth to their house, going places with them, staying all night, helping grandma around the house and yard.  I am the oldest grandchild, so I am sure I was spoiled and treasured.  I thought I would have her all my life, and of course, as many of us experience, God has his own plans.

One Sunday night she was so sick Grandpa took her to the hospital, and the doc told him she needed to have her gallbladder out.  I wasn't worried mainly because at that age, I thought I had control of my life, and I was sure Grandma would always be there for me, and plus it was a simple surgery.  Except it wasn't.  They found cancer.  It was the week before Thanksgiving, and they said she could come home, and would probably be with us till Christmas.

I didn't believe them, and knew,  was positive, once Grandma came home, things would be just fine.  Forty eight years ago people really didn't talk to their kids like we do now, so no one sat us down and explained her illness or the future.  After all, we were just kids.

Grandma passed away the day after her surgery.  They called our home around 9:30 that night, and mom and dad left to go to the hospital.  They didn't tell us kids till the next morning, but I knew when the phone rang.

The adults were busy making funeral plans; we became invisible, and over time I believe it just became easier for them to think we were all okay.  So I told myself I was.

Except I wasn't.  I had all these emotions rattling around in my brain and heart and I didn't know what to do with them, or who to talk to about them.  So I hid them away and pretended I wasn't feeling all the pain from grandma's loss, and that became the beginning of my grief suitcase.

Over the years it became a learned pattern for me.  My suitcase became so full, the only way I could close it, was the old fashioned way of sitting on it, and shoving crap inside and then locking it up. 

If I would start to feel any type of grief I would mentally run to get my suitcase.  I repeated this behavior until the day that Stella left my side.

Its an unhealthy way to live, never letting yourself feel sadness, or sorrow and sometimes even anger.  A person just mentally shuts down, but goes on with the life they are living.

I know many adults struggle with this same issue, and although we are happy and loving people, we also full of anxiety, and worry, and pain.

WELL, here comes Stella in my life and she managed to do something wonderful that even my children and grandchildren, whom I love dearly, were not able to do.  Open my suitcase.

Most of you know that Stella lived a horrible life until the day I brought her home, but she never let that affect her.  She was a strong little pug, and loved me with all her heart.  She taught me a lot of little lessons, and brought wonderful friends into my life.  Stella is one of my best gifts.  Best.

WELL.....

About a month before Stella left, I started to think about what her lesson to me would be and just the thought of not having her immediately made me feel these awful emotions, and I ran to the suitcase.  I ran several times, for several days and then one night it hit me....."oh no, its the damn suitcase, it will be her lesson!"

You know how you can have this love/hate relationship with something.  Well, that describes the suitcase and me.  Its my awful security, its my go to place when life is horrible......and hard, and heartbreaking.  Its. My. Suitcase.

I thought her lesson would be about love, and laughter, and friendship.  I had arguments in my head  and with Stella about her lesson, and I hung onto her.

AND...........

then one day I let go of her.

 I lost Stella and  I allowed myself to cry, and to feel my heart breaking.  It was awful.  It didn't set me free, it didn't make me feel safe or better, it hurt.  I hated it.  I knew though she wanted me to just once in my adult life feel these emotions, and deal with them.

So I did.  Of course there were a few times, like 100 times, I started for my suitcase, but I would stop myself, and feel the emotions of Stella not being in my life.  It. Was. Hard.

Some nights I pretend she is beside me in the bed.  I snuggle her, and go to sleep, those emotions hurt.   I talk to her in the mornings on my way to work, and those emotions hurt.  I am writing this post for her, and these emotions hurt.  

I haven't thrown that old suitcase away, but I haven't opened it up either.  I wish Stella could have stayed longer, but I know she was always meant for me, and me for her.  She was a wonderful teacher, and finally I am a willing student.  

Pack your tent up baby girl, step over into that wonderful world waiting for you, hug your brother and aunt, and baby cotton.  I know I will see you one day.  

Love your momma

  

NATIONAL PICTURE DAY

UM...well we really made that up.....its NOT national picture day, but mom needed an excuse to BOMBARD you guys wif pictures.  She finally got a new cord on her phone so now she can download all her pictures........be forewarned.  We personally think all 154,321.24 pictures should have been of US.

Last weeks rain storm, as Mom was leaving for work.  We are in a drought so the rain was much needed.  Today through next week in the high 90's,  Looks like we will be staying in the house.

This is Mom's cucumber plant growing out of a pot at the end of the deck.  Here are the cucumbers she has got off of it so far.  WE have no rude comment to make.  Sigh..........

These are for you flower loving peoples out there.  Daylilies, and Moms cutting garden.  The zinna's and cosmo's are finally starting to bloom.  Mom says she needs more mulch and more weeding done.  We say she needs to spend MORE time wif just us.

Another flower picture.

Mom likes hosta's cos they don't need much care.  Do you think that means mom is just plain lazy?

Mini Hydrangea plant,mom needs to get it planted ASAP!

Do you see the red tomatoes?

Stellie's planter filling out nicely. 

Deck plants.  Mom had to buy a drill last week, so she could put more holes in the pots.  After three different men looked at the drill and couldn't get it to work, the 15 year old grandson came over, and in about 3 min. had it working.  New tech crap is what dad said, Mom didn't say a word.

Plants are finally starting to grow.  Now it doesn't look like grass all around the flagpole. 


Well we hope you enjoyed visiting our house today.  Tomorrow we will show you all the animals that live wif us. 

Moving on down the road.
Mags and Gusser

MR. CHEWY REVIEW

Well, this is our first review in awhile and of course, mom's cell phone won't download her pictures on the computer this morning.  But we are trying our best here so bear with us...lol

First of all, we love Mr. Chewy, we love seeing that little box come in the mail cos in the old day's everything was for US.  Nowadays though it could be a snack for Ed or even the outside animals we just never know.  The suspense is terrible!!

Sorry we can't show you any of our pictures but you will still get all the information you need about this product.

So Mom picked out for US PUG a product called Stella & Chewy's Savory Salmon Food Toppers.  She ordered a 3.5 oz. bag and the cost is 9.49.  Mom loves to give us Salmon and believes it helps our coats be shiny and healthy.  She has tried to switch our food back to salmon but we refuse to eat it and just want to eat food that she considers NOT as healthy.  Sometimes we actually are in charge at our house.

ANYWAYS our toppers arrive and she tries it out with our supper.  It comes with a little scoop and for small dogs you are to use one scoop.  WE LOVED IT.  We wanted two and three and four scoops.  Mom stuck to the rules though, but every morning we ran out to our bowls to make sure the food topper was waiting for us.

We are so sorry we cannot show you the bag or a picture of us eating it. 

Here is some information about this product though.

• Made with wild-caught salmon and wild-caught cod along with 100% organic-certified fruits and vegetables.
• Real raw nutrition in the convenience of freeze-dried nuggets; can be served as a complete meal or mixed with dry kibble to add variety with a nutritious boost and help entice a picky eater.
• Formulated to mimic a canine’s natural diet; never contains grains, gluten, fillers, artificial preservatives or colorings.
• Complete and balanced nutrition is enhanced with probiotics to aid in healthy digestion—perfect for the pup with a sensitive stomach.
• Proudly made in the USA with ingredients responsibly sourced from trusted and reputable suppliers.

It lasted us two weeks, so for just two little pugs it would cost around $20.00 a month.  Mom said that is out of her price range.  I suggested we send Gusser to live with the neighbor then, but Mom just glared at me, and sent me to time out.

We loved this product and would give it 5 stars.  We were not paid for any of the information or for the lack of pictures.  

Mags and Gusser

SUMMER DAYS

105 here the last four days...........we are sick of it.  At least I have found a way to stay dehydrated.
Gusser

QUIET

In the quiet of the morning, moms brain isn't yet full of work stuff or family stuff, or stuff stuff, it is just quiet.  On her drive to work, Mom tells us she enjoys that quiet, and calls it her thinking time.  Her remembering time.

She remembers on the day that Stella went to the 21st step of the bridge, she stopped by the office to share the news with her friends here at blogville.  When mom came out of the office in town, there stood a young doe right by her car looking at her.  Her heart wanted to believe Stella Rose sent her to Mom to let her know she made it there ...just fine.

This morning, all the wildflowers were blooming on the sides of the road, blue, and orange......it was beautiful, and Mom remembered how much Sweet Dory loved her flowers ...........she believes she has them planted all over the place..up there in the heavens, and maybe even tends to them down here.......


Last week when Mom got to work, early in the morning, that same doe came out of the woods by the office, it is strange to have a small woods right in the middle of town but they do, and there beside her was a small fawn.  Mom watched her, and they watched Mom. 

I imagine even our friend Easy is laughing it up, thinking about TWO brothers tearing through the house, running and jumping keeping his parents busy...............laughing it up.

And of course Casey, working on finding Mom that foster, that needs her more, and wants her more than most.  He is working hard, it will be perfect.

Quiet of the morning.

Mags and Gussie

TIME IS FLYING

Then
(Two Boys)


Then
(Three Girls)

Now
(Time flies.....but my love for them will always stay)

Grandma

NAILS

On Sunday moms friend came over with little Oakley to play wif us.  Unbeknown to us, hers also brought along her many tortuous devices one of them known as nail clippers.  Now, hers is a groomer so we should have figured out somefing was going on, when mom went in the house and left us outside wif her.

Our mom has a hard time dealing wif simple fings when it comes to us.  One of them is nail clipping.  Evers since Gus showed her how he reacts hers hasn't been the same.  Remember when we went to ours old vet, and I believe that as soon as mom would call and have them put his name on the schedule staff would start calling in SICK.   Just think of the most awful screechy noise, break glass in a room noise, nails on the chalk board noise, and you would understand Gussie's powerful voice when the clippers come out.

EXCEPT wif this darn friend.  She lassoed him down with zipties, you know the kind they use on prisoners and then she should him a picture of bread and water and told him, his life was gonna change, and she may have even took out a pair of pilers to show him what could happen to his teef, AND OUR MOM WAS IN THE HOUSE CUTTING UP DAMN CANTALOUPE FOR SUPPER.

Well Gus tried is best, but the only thing that would come out of his frightened voice box was a squeak and a squawk, and before he knew it she stole his toenails.

When it came to my turn, I gave her the pug glare, and tried to hypnotize her with my "smarter than you are pug brain" but she had on these special glasses and somehow they were able to deflect anything I sent her way.  She hogtied me, snipped my nails, and threw me to the ground.

Later, after she left and we were in bed wif our mom we told her the whole story.  Do you fink hers believed us.  Hell, no she was just glad our nails were cut, and she got to hide in the house. 

Karma mom, Karma.

Mags and Gusser

THE OTHERS

Here is Petey and the backside of Louie, also Rusty, and Little Bill.  The dirt is just by the gate, they have a nice grassy pasture.  Mom brushes them each and every night no matter how damn hot it is.  Louie is a long haired mini and has not shed his hair yet.  We even feel sorry for him.  Of course not sorry enough to share our treats wif him.  They weight 100 lbs now.  which is not much compared to a horse.

Speaking of treats, mom bought THEM a whole big bag of peppermint treats for mini's.  They look like tiny vanilla wafers but smell is like peppermint.  It is her way of tricking Louie into letting her brush him each night.  Louie has trust issues.  Mom is trying to help him.

I am going to start having trust issues so I can get my own 8 Lbs. bag of mints........holey pug.

We will be back on Monday.

Mags

CATS

THESE cats do not understand BOUNDARIES, this is my bed not theirs.   Plus El has a problem with decency...................geeze louise!
Mags and Gussie

HOT

It has been so hot at our house, all Gusser can do is sit.  Mom says we cannot stay outside very long cos we get to overheated.  Gus looks like a frog with big feet sitting like that.

Mom and grandboy worked in the yard all day Saturday.

Part of a rock bed mom started last year.

New bed by the garage.

She used 9 bags of mulch and still has one more bed to finish.  She should be playing wif us, not the dirt.

Mom loves these little drift roses. 

Is that cat under the deck?

Mags and Gusser

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY WITH WORDS

Stella's Planter.

Patio Tomato

Stellies Roses

Cucumber among the flowers

I am not smiling for you mom!

Don't look at her Gussie.

Ed likes to read.

Ah peace and quiet.

Early this morning after the rain.

Mags and Gussie

STELLA'S HOME

On Thursday Stella Rose came home.  Mom says this is part of our closure.  We like knowing she is with us. 

Thank you again for all your kind words, and comments.

Mags and Gussie

ROUTINES

Its me Maggie Mae, smiling at you all with a bully stick in my mouf.  Its the first time we have got to get a special treat in a LONGGGGGGGG time cos Stellie Rose used to way lay my butt thinking that she did not have one.  Sometimes she was just nuts.

We don't have many routines at our house anymore.  Stella made routines for us, some of them were good and some of them were not.  We miss them, no matter what.  Our house is quiet.  We cannot figure that out, Stella was not a loud little pug.  We looked for her all weekend, and finally Gussie and I just gave up and found a corner in the diningroom to lay..........and chew on our treats.

We are a little confused cos we are not sure how two fits into a pack of three, but we will work it out.  Today Mom is bringing Stellie home from the Vet.  Mom said we would understand when we see the little box.  Confusing and quiet.

We will be okay though, I know that.  Stella taught us lots of things, someday I will share them with you.

Thank you for all the kind words, messages and comments.  We love you all.

Maggie Mae and Gussie

STELLA ROSE LONG

5/21/2018

Friends,

I asked Andrea (Casey and Jessie's Mom)  if I could release this private letter that Stella had sent to Casey the day before he went to the bridge.  The letter is a part of Stella's story and how strong friendship can be.   Deb

 

5/10/2018

My Dearest Casey:

I am writing you this letter instead of sending you a message because I think it will be easier for you to read this way.  Plus selfishly I get to practice my computer skills just in case in the future mom quits sending texts for me.  Anyway, I have a whole bunch of words I want to say but I don't want this to be ten pages long so I want you to know I am doing my best to not ramble on and on.

First of all do you remember you and Cinderella were one of our very first friends we made on Blogville.  I don't really remember which of us joined first but you have always been in our family.  I had never had a friend that was not a pug but instantly I fell in love with your kind eyes and loving face, and of course I admired those lonnnng legs of yours.  I was so impressed that your mom fostered you and then kept you, and that showed me also how much kindness and love she has in her heart for you.

I know I never got to go to any of the Blogville events with you as a date but we were always there as friends weren't we…and sometimes friendships last a whole lot longer than dates. Plus you were the first one I got to meet in the real skin at the blogville retreat, you and Jessie came running out to see me!!

So, I know that you are sick now, and from what momma tells me tomorrow you will go to the bridge to be with your sisters.  Casey I have this story I want to share with you and that is the reason I am writing this letter to you.  I hope when you and your mom are done reading this you will feel better cos that is what my pug heart wishes more than anything.

You know that I have had some health problems also. I tell you Casey between being blind, half deaf, a little crazy in the head, bladder stones and my back legs not working right, life can sometimes get a little tough, at least for mom, cos she loves me and it hurts her on the days that are hard for me.  Some days are really good and on those days I see her have hope in her face, and then on the days that are hard I see mom suffer.  So I had a long talk with her about a month ago.  I have my best talks with her in the middle of the night, when she is asleep cos then in the morning when she wakes up she thinks it was all a dream, but it really wasn't.  I bet you do that also.

I made a decision and I talked to mom about it that night.  I also sent a special email to River Song (remember his mom does the blog about the rainbow bridge--Marsha) because I needed his permission and apparently the "Big Guy".  That is what River calls him.  I shared my plan with them, and at first the only response I received was a ugly unhappy emotion face; but I really didn't care cos I am a stubborn little girl, but then the next day I received an email from River Song and even though they really did not like my plan they agreed to let me do it.  So here was the plan I presented to them.

On the day that I leave for the bridge, I am packing a pup (lol) tent, my favorite blankie and toy, camping chair, several boxes of graham crackers, chocolate bars, marshmallows, and extra long sticks for roasting.  I have heard through the rumor mill that the bridge is 22 steps long.  Now I am not sure this information is factual and maybe when you get there you can let me know the truth about that.  So I decided I would take exactly 11 steps, which is halfway across the bridge, put up my tent, get my chair out, fix me a few smores, wave at all my family and friends from the rainbow bridge and then wait on my mom.  For however long it takes.

River told me I was strong to make this decision, but I really think that is a lie and he thinks I am stupid cos the rainbow bridge is so much better living, in a pup tent. Oh well.

But, once I found out that you will be waiting at the edge of the bridge, I decided instead I would walk 21 steps across the bridge, and set my tent up.  That way I am only one step away from you, and all my friends, and Sammy J., Trudie and little Cotton.  Also, I researched it and in human time 21 steps is still real close to my momma. 

Every day you can stop by cos I am only one step from you, eat a smore with me cos your legs are long enough to reach those extra long roasting sticks I brought, and we can have some good talks and laughs. 

I hope you are not upset with me cos of my decision to sit on the bridge, but it is something that I MUST do until I am absolutely sure my Mom has learned the lesson that I was sent to her to teach.   Once I am positive that she has, I am sure you will help me pack up my tent, toys, chair and blankie and walk me that one step over the bridge.

I knew from the very moment Casey that I met you that you and I were going to have an important connection at the end of our earthly lives, and now I know what that purpose is.  I know everything has a plan and that even as dogs we don't always know what it is, but now I understand why we were destined to meet through our moms blogs.

I am not sure when you will see me on the 21st step, but I bet when you get to the bridge you will know the exact day.  I do ask a favor from you that you not share that information with me as of yet. 

Until we meet again my dear friend, I will look for you each night in the stars, and on the days that are a little rough here on earth I will feel you by my side.  I have been truly blessed to have known you here on Earth, and in the future it will be a true celebration when we are together.      Your Friend, Stella Rose Long

On Saturday May 19, 2018 Stella Rose Long went to the Rainbow Bridge. I knew all week that something was off with Stella, and by the end of the week, her quality of life was slipping away.  On Saturday we had an appointment with her vet that I had made earlier in the week and I knew in my heart what the vet would tell me.  Stella Rose though was very strong, and calm, and relaxed.  She never had rode in the car very well, and on that day she lay on her blanket, and just calmly looked at me.  It was like she was telling me everything would be right in the world.  We did have one last special talk though before she crossed over from this world to the other, and I reassured her she did not need to wait for me on the 21st step, that I figured out about a month ago just what her lesson was to me, and I promised her I would fulfill it.  I told her I wanted her to cross over the bridge, and become healthy and happier and to be with all her family and many friends.   I told her I loved her a million times a million, and said all the words that she already knew.  

I do want to share this with you.  When we got to the vet and was in the waiting room, suddenly a big boxer came running through the door, with his mom.  Apparently he had run all over the parking lot, and she was all out of breath.  You could tell he was full of lots of energy and excitement.  When he saw Stella he came running over to her and just looked at her.  I knew in my heart, that Casey had found a way to let me know she was going to be just fine.  I will always remember that moment.

Now, in the quiet moments grief hits me hard, and I hear her quiet voice tell me it's okay to feel all the emotions I am feeling and all the tears will help heal the hurt.

Thank you all my friends here in blogville and on facebook who have let us into your lives and hearts.  Deb, Maggie and Gussie.